In Hope We Trust
by roseem
Summary: Jean Kirschtein only every cared about himself, until one day, he was forced to go on the tutoring classes his parents paid for. He hated even thinking about the fact that he'd have to spend his time with some nerdy kid that actually liked math and was willing to waste his time tutoring him. But it wasn't all bad when he actually met his tutor who immediately grabbed his attention.


This is the beginning of a story with a sad ending. And it's not sad because of what happens in the end, it's just sad just because it ends. People say that everything will be okay at the end and if it's not okay, it's not the end. But I don't like it when things end and I'm not satisfied with justokay.

And neither are my parents. Okay will never be enough for them. Everything needs to be perfect. It's the Kirschtein way of living.

All my life, I've been pressured to be the perfect son my brother failed to be. He used to be perfect, until he decided to study abroad for a year. He was a college freshman in London, who came back with his 30 year old professor and a wedding ring around his finger.

And as you can guess, my parents were pretty fucking pissed.

My dad's inner Nazi was released and he kicked him out. He was too angry that my brother decided to abandon his college career for love.

I don't think my dad understood what that woman meant to my brother. He didn't understand the meaning of love with all it's powerful forces. At that time, I don't think I did, either...

Anyway, let's skip the sad back story of the tragic circumstance of my family. And if you really want to know what happened, here's a brief explanation. My brother moved to London with his wife and he occasionally called me to see what's up; however, he didn't speak to my parents. It's been 2 years since he left, I was fifteen. My parents, especially my dad, switched their center of attention from my brother to me, and now I have to be the perfect little Jean they loved with the perfect little grades that I certainly didn't have.

But this isn't a story about my parents and their ego. It's about me. I loved being in the center of attention, so I've always wrote about myself, because talking about myself to others was too troublesome.

I was the kind of guy who hates social interactions, but loved talking. I loved eating, but I didn't want to be fat. I loved listening to music, but I didn't want to press the play button. I loved reading, but I was too lazy to hold the book. I loved to write about how great I am, but I hated myself consistently. But in the entire seventeen years I've been on this planet, not once I loved someone more than myself, until recently.

...

So, as you know already, mama and papa Kirschtein were forcing me to have the perfect life. And I had no other choice but to listen. I started studying hard in the subjects I loved, like English, and History, and I was able to get my grades up in no time. However, I can't say the same about Chemistry and Math. I couldn't stand being in those classes. I hated it. And of course, my boredom wasn't enough of a reason for me to fail the classes, so I cheated every chance I got.

Believe it or not, it worked for two fucking years. Until the first semester of junior year, I got caught by my math teacher in the sinful act of cheating. I failed the class, which really pissed my parents off.

I was fucked.

No fall break for me.

Instead, I was stuck in the library, having arranged meetings with some know-at-all nerd from my school that my parents hired to be my tutor.

I probably don't know him, I thought. I had no idea who he was, or what he looked like, or his name. I knew nothing.

With the tutor sessions starting every day, I didn't even have time to see my girlfriend, Mikasa. And I was kind of horny all the time, so I needed her. Well, maybe not specifically her. Anyone would do, as long as they are willing to do it.

I didn't care about relationships. Or maybe I didn't allow myself to.

The only person who knew that was my best friend, Connie, who's too busy ignoring me lately cause of his cute new girlfriend, Sasha.

He introduced her to me once. We went to McDonald's and she ordered about a mountain of french fries. What was weirder, she finished them so fast that she had the chance to steal mine and Connie's. That girl could fucking eat like a viking.

She stole my french fries, and my best friend. And now, I had nobody to whine to, and whining was the only thing I was good at.

I needed someone to talk to about how rude my tutor was for not showing up on time while I was waiting for him, or her, in the library reading a book about World War II.

There was a picture of Hitler and his Nazi salute with a caption underneath, something about his beliefs for better society. As much as I despised what he did, the man was a genius. If only he was on the good side of the war...

But, in the end, he lost, so was he really as good as people said he was?

And there it is again.. "In the end."

I fucking hate those words.

I hate endings, and I hate goodbyes.

There's always the possibility that somewhere, somehow, in the future, or in a parallel universe, things won't end or they'll go back as they were, so I never say goodbye. I say see you later.

Suddenly, I feel a shadow casting on the desk I was sitting on. There was a tall, freckled, dark haired guy looking at me from above. Whoa, tall. I was pretty tall myself, but this guy was a bit taller, and that wasn't something I saw every day. Usually I could easily surpass the height of anyone I came in contact with, except my family, cause they were fucking giants.

"Are you Jean?" the guy said. He said my name the right way. I liked him already.

"I'm Jean, yes. Are you my tutor?" I asked casually, even though I was pretty impressed that the guy I kept calling nerd over and over again, turned out to be more muscular and tall than an ordinary high-schooler and definitely not nerd looking.

"My name is Marco Bodt. I go to your school, although I've never seen you before," he observed and sat down across from me on the desk.

"I haven't seen you, either," I noted, but I didn't want to say anything more. I wanted to ask why he was wasting his time tutoring me, but it didn't feel like the right time.

"Well, I'm pleased to meet you," he said.

"Yeah, me too," I said and we just stood there in awkward silence for like 3 minutes.

"I don't think you need tutoring. I've checked your grade reports and you're doing excellent in almost every subject. I think that some just haven't grabbed your attention yet," he said sharply.

He was right. I nodded. "That's why I need tutoring," I said with a grin, and he grinned back.

"Well then, let's get to it," Marco said and looked down in the folder he held in his hand. "What are you learning about?"

"In what subject?" I asked, completely distracted by god knows what at that moment.

"Um... I'm tutoring you in math, aren't I?" Marco asked, a bit confused.

"Right, math! Well, we're learning about sine and cosine waves or something," I said, glaring at my notes from class.

"Those are easy," Marco said.

"Well, to you they are," I murmured.

"No, seriously, there's nothing to it. Look, these wave graphs, they're just like the unit circle you're studying for. It's just easier to understand the changes on these graphs," he explained, pointing at one of the graphs.

"What does that even mean?" I questioned, but I wasn't really interested in the answer.

"Well, there's four different ways a wave can change. There's the amplitude change, the period-" and as he continued talking I completely blacked out. He kept on going about changes and writing something on the blank notebook I brought. He occasionally looked at me, but he only saw me staring at him. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. It was so weird. He was just too unique and I spent every moment just looking at his eyes, his freckles, the way his hair was parted in the middle, his blue shirt... "- So you can use this formula to help you remember that," he said as I finally concentrated on the words, not just the sound of his soft voice.

I just nodded.

"You didn't get it, did you?"

"Nope," I said. He sighed.

"Let's try something else," he said and pulled out his phone.

"What are we trying?" He ignored me without turning away his look from the screen.

"Look, the studying isn't the problem. As you said before, the concentrating part is what's killing me," I said.

"What's distracting you?"

"I don't know, everything that's even slightly more interesting than math."

"What was distracting you now?" He asked, but I couldn't just tell him the truth. He distracted me, and I wasn't going to admit that.

"I was just thinking about my girlfriend," I blurted out without thinking.

"Oh, you have a girlfriend," he asked.

"Yeah, do you have a girlfriend?" I asked back, but I could see him slightly stiffen. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. Maybe he had a girlfriend and she died or left him. Or maybe he was gay or something. I felt guilty for asking. "Or a boyfriend? Are you dating anyone?" I said so I can somehow repair the stupid question.

"No!" he yelled. "I mean... no," he said more quietly and looked down, still stiffened.

"Are you okay?" I asked with a genuine voice.

"I'm okay," he quickly blurted out. "I wasn't the topic, you were. Tell me about your girlfriend," he said.

Okay, changing the subject. That worked, I guess.

"Well, we've only been dating for two months or something. I mean, she's nice. She doesn't talk much, but she's good in bed," I said, honestly and he just blankly stared at me.

"That's... nice," he said, so I continued to get rid of the awkward vibe.

"I mean I had the biggest crush on her when I was like 13, but it seemed like she was in love with this dude, Eren, so I couldn't ask her out," I said.

"Oh," he murmured. God this guy was killing me. I haven't talked this much in days.

"So, in order to get her to notice me, I started dating her friend Armin for a while. He was awesome, but we were more friends than anything else. And that didn't help me with Mikasa at all, it only made me look gay," I said. I had to stop talking at some point, but it was too easy talking to this dude, and if I didn't talk, he would make it awkward.

And it was still awkward. I saw his mouth move, but I didn't hear any sound coming from it. I wanted to shake him so he can talk.

"So me and Armin broke up, but we're still really good friends," I finished.

"So you're not straight?" he asked. I knew he would ask me that at some point if I told him about Armin.

I grinned. "I am not anything. I like people, the gender doesn't matter to me."

"So, you're bi?"

"If you really wanna label it, label me that," I said. "And are you not going to share anything?"

"There's not much to tell. My life is really boring. And I'm tutoring you, so I'm obviously too nerdy to do anything fun," he sighed.

"Nothing fun?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing, really," he confirmed.

"You wanna change that?"

"What do you mean?"

"There's this hangout thing happening at my friend Ymir's house later. I can't go because I'm obviously supposed to be here, but if you wan't, we can ditch this and go to her house," I suggested.

"I don't want to get you in trouble, and I really need those tutoring money," he said.

"No, come on. I'll pay you double if you don't like it, my parents are richer than you think," I said and got up. I started packing my bag and smiled. "It'll be fun, I promise."

"Will we do anything illegal?" he asked and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Nothing illegal, calm down. We're not some high school junkies who get in fights. Just a bunch of nerd that love video games and pizza," I said.

"I can do that at home," he said.

"It's more fun with me, I guarantee," I winked and pulled him out of his chair. I pushed him in front of me and grabbed my coat and his folder from the desk and started walking out of the library.

...

We were at the living room of Ymir's house. She had a few friends over to introduce them to her new girlfriend, Christa. They were the complete opposite. Ymir was tall and often rude, where as Christa was the nicest short person I've ever met.

I saw Connie on the corner eating chips with Sasha. Mikasa, Eren and Armin were there too, along with bunch of other people. I gave Mikasa a small kiss, but I didn't want to leave Marco alone, so I sat down next to him.

"Are we going to watch a movie?" I asked Ymir.

"Yeah, we're watching The Breakfast Club," Ymir said and put the DVD in the player.

"Didn't we already watch that?"

"Yeah, but Christa hasn't seen it, apparently, so we're going to watch it again."

"Oh come on, can't we watch something else?" I protested. The last time I watched that movie I cried crocodile tears, and it was just me, Ymir, Bert and Reiner. We were all crying, so we promised we won't tell. But I had the feeling I was going to cry again, and I didn't want Marco to see me. Or Mikasa, or anyone else.

"We're watching the Breakfast Club, stop bitching," Ymir cut me off.

"It's okay, Ymir, we can watch something Jean likes," Christa said.

"Fuck Jean, we're watching The Breakfast Club," Ymir said.

"But if you love that movie so much, wouldn't it be better if the two of us watched it alone?" Christa said, and I couldn't believe how cute she was. Ymir looked at her big eyes, and couldn't say no.

"Okay, we can watch it after everyone leaves. You're sleeping over tonight, right?" Ymir asked her.

"Well, yeah, but I didn't want to waste tonight on movies," Christa said, and I could physically see Ymir getting an imaginary boner. They were literally the best couple I've seen.

I turned to Marco on instinct to see how he's doing. He was staring at his phone again.

"Marco, what are you doing?" I asked him.

"I was going to make a call to my mom, tell her where I am," he said.

"Can't you text her?"

"That's what I'm about to do," he smiled and it killed me. He had the most innocent smile I've ever seen. I was going to say something, but I had nothing interesting to say, so I turned my look back at Christa and Ymir.

Ymir stood up and put the DVD of The Breakfast Club back on the shelf. "Okay, what do you people want to watch?" she asked.

"Let's watch Mean Girls or Sleepless in Seattle," Sasha said out of nowhere. She'd been so quiet, I forgot she was there.

"Let's not," I said. I wasn't going to watch Mean Girls in public.

"Okay, grumpy, choose! Either Mean Girls or Sleepless in Seattle," Ymir demanded, staring at my direction.

"Why can't we watch The Godfather or something," I whined.

"Mean Girls, or Sleepless in Seattle," Ymir asked again, and I could feel her eyes piercing through my fucking heart.

"Fine, let's watch Mean Girls," I scoffed. I noticed Marco laugh softly at our conversation.

"If you're from Africa, then why are you black?" I whispered softly. Actually, I whispered quotes throughout the whole movie and the only person who could hear me was Marco, because he was sitting next to me.

We kept laughing and everyone kept shushing us.

The truth is, I saw Mean Girls with one of my exes two years ago, and I laughed so hard that I kept re-watching it every chance I got. Apparently, it got to the point where I can quote most of the movie.

I didn't notice that Ymir had beer next to the pizza at first, but once I did, I immediately took a can. I offered some to Marco, but he said he didn't drink, so I ended up drinking alone.

By the end of the movie, I drank enough to get me drunk, and I wasn't planning on that to happen. I had school tomorrow, and I didn't want to go home drunk.  
I was fucked.

...

The movie ended, and it was already 9:00 PM. I needed to get home, but I really didn't want to. I wanted to make out with someone, and Mikasa wasn't here.  
She left with Eren and Armin at the first half of the movie. I didn't even say goodbye. I was a shitty boyfriend.

"Jean, I really need to get to my mother. I should go," Marco said.

I pulled his hand. "Wait, Marco, don't go," I whined.

"Jean, I have to," he said, but I really didn't want him to leave.

"I can't go home like this. Can I sleep over at your house?" I asked him, and he didn't answer.

"Look, I know I barely know you, but I really don't want to go home drunk," I explained. "I can tell my parents that we went to your house to study, and it got late so I slept over."

He still hesitated, and I didn't blame him. I understood that he didn't want me home. After all, I was just some kid he was tutoring. We weren't friends, and he had absolutely no responsibility of taking care of me.

"Okay," he finally said. "Alright, we'll go to my house and you can sleep over."

I was relieved. "Are your parents going to be okay with it?"

"It's just me and my mom. She'll be fine with it," he said.

We said our goodbyes with Ymir and Christa and the others that remained and got in Marco's car.

It was the shittiest car I've ever seen. It was old, but I wasn't complaining.

...

When we got in his house, it was already 10 and he was really nervous. Like he never brought a friend over before. He was in a rush to get me upstairs. He kept repeating for me to go to his room and stay there until he talks to his mom.

"Can I say hi to her first?" I asked him.

"No, you can't. Please, just... go upstairs and get ready for bed or something," he said and disappeared into one of the doors.

I didn't want to cause any trouble, so I just obeyed.

His room was paradise. It was clean, and it was beautiful. The walls were a light shade of blue, but you could barely see them from the many posters he had. There was Star Trek, Star Wars, Call of Duty, The Big Bang Theory, South Park... literally anything I could think of, I could find there.

I knew he was a nerd, but I wasn't expecting this.

He even had a pillow quoting "SPACE! THE FINAL FRONTIER!"

I couldn't believe this. This was great.

He had a light-saber. I wanted to stay in his room forever. I loved everything about it. Every little detail on the walls. His desk had a glowing lava lamp and some sketches of some sort of monster. I couldn't tell what it was, but it kind of looked like a giant person was crushing a house and eating a small person.  
His closet doors were open and I could see that all of his clothes were perfectly in order. It was so cool. I felt like staying in that room alone made me like Marco even more.

I sat on the bed and I had nothing to do but wait. I texted my mom telling her that I'm going to stay at my tutor's house, cause it was too dark to drive and I didn't want to bother them picking me up. She agreed and let me stay.

She was way more understanding than my dad. He'd probably call the police to come and get me.

I was reading some article on CNN that I opened from my phone so I get distracted and let time pass faster. It was talking about the Afghanistan war and how Obama wanted it to stop. I was really interested in politics and public affairs, so the article amused me for a while. But I was also drunk and horny, and I really needed to go to sleep before I ended up masturbating in Marco's room.

As soon as I laid down on the floor he came in the room with sandwiches and drinks. "I figured you were hungry. I didn't see you get any pizza."

"Well neither did you," I noted and grabbed the tray from his hands.

"That's why I'm about to eat," he smiled and took a bite.

"What's in it?" I asked looking at the sandwich.

"Ham and cheese. I didn't have anything fancy," he told me.

"No, it's great. Thank you so much. I definitely need to return the favor some day," I told him and started eating.

We didn't say anything for a while. It was so quiet that I could hear him chew. We were sitting on the floor with our backs against the bed. I drank some of the lemonade every few bites. I was so hungry that I ended up eating my sandwich in less than two minutes. I wanted more but I was too ashamed to ask him.

"I brought cookies, too," he said and reached into his hoodie and got out a box of chocolate chip cookies.

"Awesome," I said and opened. I didn't want to eat just yet, so I waited for him to finish his sandwich. As soon as he finished it we both started eating cookies, and before we knew it they were all gone.

"Whoa, that was fast. I've never eaten so many cookies in that little time," he noted and softly laughed and I laughed back. His laugh was really killing me. He was innocent like fucking Jesus... a freckled Jesus.

I noticed some cookie crumbs on the corner of his mouth. "You have a little..." I said and pointed to my mouth as an indication.

He touched his mouth softly to get rid of him, but that didn't help.

I lifted up and pulled closer to him. "Here, let me," I said and touched his mouth.

Fuck...

The crumbs fell and so did my patience. I leaned in and kissed him. It was good that I was drunk and didn't know him that well. Cause if he pulled back, I'd have some excuses. If he didn't, that would be great and we get to make out.

He didn't pull back.

Instead, he kissed me back with no hesitation. I pulled him closer knocked the tray that was sitting in his lap. I was a fucking mess, but the kiss felt electric. It must be the alcohol that spoke, but I've never felt that way when I was kissing Mikasa.

Actually, I've never felt this way kissing anyone else. Marco was like the Kirk to my Spock, it felt just right. I kissed him even harder, forgetting at that moment that I don't actually know anything about Marco except that he's good in math and likes awesome TV shows and movies.

I forgot that I was in a room with a complete stranger, and I was closer than ever to getting hard that night. I needed to stop before we took this any further. I didn't want Marco to be a one night stand, I wanted to keep him for longer.

But I forgot about it.

All it mattered in that moment is my lips against his, and my tongue in his mouth.

The kiss kept getting hotter every second, and I really needed it to stop.

I was drunk, but still thinking rationally. Thank god. But before I could pull back, Marco did.

"Wow," I said.

"What are we doing?" he asked, trying to catch his breathe.

"I don't know, but it was nice," I noted and I could feel my heart beating. He kept staring at me with a stunned look. I didn't want to speak because the words weren't synchronized with my head at that moment. And I was really tired and I really needed to sleep. But he kept staring at me, and I kept staring back. I was afraid that if I close my eyes for longer than a second, I'd lose the sight of him, and I didn't want to.

But, the alcohol took over and knocked me out.

The last thing I remember was putting my head on his shoulder, and closing my eyes, hoping that tomorrow, I'd wake up exactly where I fell asleep.


End file.
